Because I have nothing much better to do than share with you my newfound love of vampire TV and because I want to take a crack at this whole recap-writing business, let me get you up-to-date on what's happened on True Blood up until this last week.
Previously on True Blood: An entire season of Sookie and Bill hooking up for a little bloodplay and the occasional candlelit bath, while brother Jason wrestles with that age-old question, how do you know if you're a murderer?
As the women of Bon Temps drop dead at a rate that suggests that, pretty soon, there won't actually be any women left in Bon Temps, fumbling detective Andy Bellefleur tries to pin the crime on Jason only to wind up being - shockingly - wrong in the end. Sookie gets drawn into vampire nightlife and introduced to Eric, former VIKING and the "sheriff" of Area 5, their part of Louisiana, who runs a vampire bar called Fangtasia (yeah, even Sookie thinks that's a lame name) and thinks Sookie's abilities could be useful, and while he proves to be right, he does so in a way that ends with Bill killing another vampire to protect her. His punishment is to turn a kidnapped teenage girl into a vampire: Jessica Hamby, who apparently equates vampire with naughty schoolgirl.
Meanwhile, Sookie's best friend Tara has an ill-advised but steamy affair with her boss Sam, who is, though no one but Sookie knows, a shapeshifter. Form of a cute, cute dog!
Jason falls in love with Amy who gets him hooked on V, because vampire blood apparently is life force in its purest form and therefore a drug. That's right, kids, you can finally get high on life. But then, of course, Amy is murdered, much like every other woman Jason's slept with since the season began. So Jason finds Jesus.
And Sookie finds out that her friend's fiance Rene Lenier is the killer and his real name is Drew Marshall. You know he's evil because he was faking that adorable Cajun accent the whole time. Epic Battle Ensues, Bill nearly gets himself killed stumbling out in the sunlight to save her, Sam swoops in at the last minute (Wonder Collie Powers Activate!) and Sookie winds up saving herself by pretty much taking the killer's head off with a shovel. Okay, so she's a hundred times more badass than Bella Swan (what, like that's hard?).
This season: Sookie finds out about Jessica and gets fucking PISSED; Lafayette, Bon Temps' resident chef-gay dude-drug dealer-pornographer, turns out to have been kidnapped by vampires and locked up in a dungeron; Tara's taken up residence with a totally sketch older woman named Maryanne who ~just wants to help~ but totally raises Sam's hackles (I mean this literally); someone tore out the heart of a local con woman and left her in Andy's car; Jason goes to Bible Camp; Bill teaches Jessica about recycling; Eric gets pissed off when his prisoners interrupt when he's getting his hair did and takes a massive bite out of some dude's side.
Next up, True Blood 2x02: Jesus Asked Me Out Today.